Building Bridges and the Drama Triangle

"Building Bridges" by Liz Jardine

Once a dad of a new kid in my youth ministry set up an appointment with me so he could get to know me. I can't remember how the conversation started, but I do remember immediately feeling threatened. I felt like I was on trial for something. I eventually erupted. He had no right to put me on trial!

I'll never forget his emotional response.

"Coby, you are completely missing my heart." 

I froze. We sat in silence. My heart broke. He was right. I approached the conversation out of my woundedness and never heard what was causing him pain.

When many of us are confronted with conflict or an idea that we find threatening, we stop listening and start attacking. As a result, we don't allow ourselves to learn some very valuable lessons from the other person.

Building Bridges

 

Building bridges is essential for thriving and growing in a world where we have such an array of ideologies. It's easy to assume the worst in a person if you do not know their story. I believe that bridge building and reconciliation are key aspects of Christian theology. Indeed, the Biblical narrative is full of passages that suggest our relationships with other people matter e.g. Matthew 5:23-24. The reality is today most of us get so caught up in arguing a point that we "know" is true, that we completely miss out on connecting with the other person. This is particularly true in conversations about politics and religion.

 

Politics and Religion

 

I spent most of my life in Texas and parts of the deep south but I currently live in Seattle. My time in Seattle and Portland has played a key role in my formation as a follower of Jesus and a minister of the Gospel. I love the Pacific Northwest. Yet, Texas is my home. Like most Texans, I have a somewhat irrational affection for my state.

As you might imagine, in my travels I have befriended people all over the spectrum of politics, race relations, and religion. When I say befriend, I don't just mean on Facebook. I genuinely love people who are on opposite ends of the spectrum of many issues. It's a combination of how I understand the Gospel and my wiring.

When I witness arguments on social media I find that...

...many people dehumanize those who disagree with them.

...many people think the other side is comprised of halfwits.

...few people think they have something to learn from people on the other side.

...few know how to respectfully dialogue with a person on the other side.

As I have been reflecting upon this reality I realized that many of the conversations or posts that I read sound a lot like I sounded when I was confronted with the parent. They sound pointed, annoyed, and defensive.

If we don't change how we handle these conversations we will not learn and grow. If we do not learn and grow we will not make progress as a diverse society.

The best tool I have encountered to help me deal with conflict and situations where I feel threatened is called Karpman's Drama Triangle. I think the Drama Triangle has much to say about healthy ways we can approach divisive conversations around politics, race, and religion.

The Drama Triangle

   

The idea behind the drama triangle is that we all tend to approach conflict from a position that will lead to victimization. Here is an in depth explanation of how it works. The best way to explain it is to tell a story.

My natural tendency is to approach conflict from the angle of the "rescuer." This is how it plays out in my family. I mean, this next example is totally hypothetical.

My wife gets on to my son for something. In my limited understanding, I see her as the "persecutor" and my son as the "victim." I enter into the conversation as the "rescuer."

 I unwisely say, "Perhaps you are over reacting. He didn't do anything that bad." I move from "rescuer" to "persecutor" as I confront my wife. At that point she becomes the "victim."

 I hurt my wife's feelings. Having overstepped my boundaries, my wife responds in a way that hurts my feelings. She shifts from the "victim" back to the "persecutor." This time, I'm the "victim." 

The drama triangle is this vicious cycle of victim hood. Nobody feels heard. Nobody feels validated. Everybody feels hurt.There is never progress in the conversation or in the relationship.

Where do you tend to start on the Drama Triangle? Are you a "rescuer" like me? Or do you automatically start as the "victim"?

There are a few things that we can do to step outside the Drama Triangle and pursue reconciliation. 

1. Know that the other person is expressing legitimate concern. Even if you don't understand, they deserve to be heard.

2. Recognize your place on the Drama Triangle. Familiarize yourself with your triggers that send you into defensive behavior.

3. Recognize your contribution to the dysfunctional conversation.

4. Know that you cannot control other people. You can only control your response to other people.

5. Stop the blame and shame game.

6. Recognize that you are not perfect.

7. Know that the end goal is not necessarily for everybody to know you are correct. The end goal is productive movement. As a Christian, I think the end goal is also reconciliation.

Disclaimer

The Drama Triangle theory applies to many situations at home and work. It can also be applied to conflict around really difficult topics like politics, race, and religion. However, this theory only works when the parties involved share the power equally. 

In a system of oppression, people need to step in and speak on behalf of those being oppressed. That isn't being a "rescuer." That is simply being a decent human being.

In a system of inequality, the systemically oppressed group should not feel guilty when they speak up. They are not being the "persecutor." They are calling out injustice.

Thus, this post applies to situations where the power is shared equally or to people who hold the power. 

The Danger of Confusing Christianity with Your Culture

[UPDATE: After I published this piece I received some healthy pushback. One of my friends questioned how this was a response to Mr. Shuck and also questioned whether I interpreted Mr. Shuck's article correctly. I'm thankful for thoughtful feedback. It makes me better. I decided to change some of the wording to more accurately reflect what I meant. 

I should not have used the word response. I meant that his article evoked a response in me. In retrospect, this blog post is more of a reflection that was prompted by reading Mr. Shuck's article. Also, I made an unfair, and possibly inaccurate, assumption about Mr. Shuck's use of the word culture. 

I decided to focus less on Shuck and more on the dangers of thinking there is a singular Christian culture. My intent all along was to challenge this belief and not challenge a random person that I do not know.]

A worship ministry of Mending Wings called Dancing Our Prayers

A few years ago I read about a PC(USA) pastor named John Shuck who does not believe in God but remains to be an active minister. Yesterday he published a piece for Patheos.com titled I’m a Presbyterian Minister Who Doesn’t Believe in God.

Here are some examples of what he believes:

• Religion is a human construct
• The symbols of faith are products of human cultural evolution
• Jesus may have been an historical figure, but most of what we know about him is in the form of legend
• God is a symbol of myth-making and not credible as a supernatural being or force
• The Bible is a human product as opposed to special revelation from a divine being
• Human consciousness is the result of natural selection, so there’s no afterlife

I imagine many theologians will respond to one or more of those points in the days to come. Those points deserve a thorough and thoughtful response. In this post, I want to respond to reflect upon a point that was buried in the article. Mr. Shuck wrote, "I think of Christianity as a culture. It has produced 2,000 years of artifacts: literature, music, art, ethics, architecture, and (yes) beliefs."

While I do not know exactly how Mr. Shuck defines culture, many times I hear Christians lump the church together as if we are one homogenous group. While we are certainly united as brothers and sisters in Christ, our values, our interpretation of certain passages, and the ways we worship can be dramatically different. When we lump everyone together like this we risk dismissing all of the manifestations of the Christian faith that do not look, sound, smell, and feel like ours. In conversations like this I often hear, "Aren't we all one in Christ?" Absolutely, but that doesn't mean we are the same. Unity is not sameness. I am not promoting universalism.

Rather, I am arguing that there is no singular Christian culture.

 

This is Brazilian sculptor Guido Rocha's "The Tortured Christ."
When we talk about Christian art, what is included and what is excluded?

The sad reality is, many of the Christians in the U.S. regularly confuse Christianity with their own culture without even knowing it.

This is a dangerous practice because, when we live out this misguided theology, we end up oppressing others. Conservatives do it. Liberals do it. I've done it. This very misunderstanding fueled all sorts of atrocities in our past and continues to fuel them in our present. Entire people groups have been wiped out in the name of Christ because Christians confused Christianity with their own culture.

Who are your people? 

 

My friend Corey Greaves feels the pain of this unhealthy approach to Christianity on a daily basis. He is an indigenous youth pastor on the Yakama Reservation in Washington. Corey is passionate about helping people learn how to worship the Triune God in ways that resonate with their culture. He is also one of the funniest and kindest people that I know. He has been a tremendous help in my journey to understand my own ethnic and cultural identity.

Corey (third from left) at an evangelical church with the Dancing Our Prayers team

Corey's Christ-centered ministry, called Mending Wings, has a program that teaches indigenous kids on the Yakama Reservation their native tongue and the history of their people. In a conversation I had with him a few months ago he said, "We have a dying language and culture thanks to the U.S. Government and the Christian church." Imagine the horror of having everything that you value ripped away from you by the church and the government. What would it feel like to be forced to no longer speak English in the name of Christ? Corey's people are living in the midst of historical trauma. This is the world in which he lives and ministers.

One of the many reasons I appreciate my friend Corey is that he is passionate about helping me learn how to worship God in a way that resonates with me. He isn't trying to convert me to the Yakama version of Christianity. He sees value in who I am as God created me to be (sounds like a certain Jewish carpenter circa 26 C.E.).

When I first met Corey he asked, "Who are your people?" This question was motivated by a realization that the Gospel is timeless truth that is revealed in and through culture. As I study Scripture, worship, and pray with some friends from other cultures, like Corey, my understanding of God is enhanced. We need each other for growth, healing, and spiritual vitality.

Culture is key to connecting with God

 

Culture is a beautiful part of being human. Culture is one of the things that shapes how we read and understand Scripture. Imagine how powerful Jose Ignacio's painting Cristo Campesino Crucificado is to Christians living in war torn Nicaragua in the 1980's. I imagine the metaphors in this painting stir the hearts of those who suffered during this time.

Cristo Campesino Crucificado
José Ignacio Fletes Cruz (Leon, Nicaragua)

Culture is key to connecting with God. In the incarnation, the all-powerful, self-sufficient, creator God entered into our space and our time to communicate his redemptive love in ways that we could understand. God chose a particular time, place, and culture. God speaks to us in a culturally relevant manner that resonates with the songs of our hearts.

God even chose a certain ethnic group to teach the world what it meant to be in relationship with Yahweh. The message was never intended to stay within the chosen ethnic group. In the Old Testament, God's covenant with Abraham specifically stated that Abraham's people were blessed to be a blessing. But some early Christians didn't get it. One of the first arguments in the church had to do with whether or not Christians had to first become Jewish before they could become real Christians (Acts 15). Remember, Christianity started as a Jewish sect. Paul uses his letter to the Galatians to argue that Gentile Christians do not have to adopt Jewish customs to be welcomed into the family of God.

Again, culture dictates the language and metaphors that help us connect with the truth revealed in Scripture. Yet, if we make the mistake that the early church made, and insist that people must first become like us before they can become Christians, we are perpetuating destructive cultural imperialism. 

Where do we go from here?

We must acknowledge that the Gospel is timeless truth but that it is always communicated in the context of a culture.

We must acknowledge the way we worship, study Scripture, and pray is shaped by our culture.

We must acknowledge that our culture (and nation) does not have the corner on biblical truth.

We must acknowledge that our cultural (and national) values are not always in-sync with the Gospel.

We must learn to listen and see what the Triune God is doing in the context of other cultures (and nations).

We must commit to learning from others, especially the marginalized and oppressed.

If we do not, we will continue to preach a "gospel" that is only good news for people who look, dress, and vote like us. And if the gospel is not good news for all people, it is not good news.

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Looking to learn more about culture, race, and the Christian faith? Check out these resources!

1. The Next Evangelicalism: Freeing the Church from Western Captivity by Soong Chan Rah
2. Pagan Christianity: Exploring the Roots of Our Christian Practices by Frank Viola & George Barna 
3. One Church, Many Tribes by Richard Twiss
4. Disunity in Christ by Christena Cleveland
5. The Heart of Racial Justice by Brenda Salter McNeil and Rick Richardson
6. Jesus and the Disinherited by Howard Thurman
7. Every year my church in Seattle has depth/discipleship class on faith and race. We have accumulated a ton of great resources. Check them out!

Time: The Art of Being Present

I preached on being present on July 6, 2014.  This sermon is the accumulation of lessons I've been learning through pain, failure, forgiveness, and healing.

Here is a link to the sermon.

I used this slide as an example of how I use time blocking to organize my schedule.

Fight for Sustainable Ministries, Not Self-Preservation

There is a difference between striving to have a sustainable ministry and fighting to stay alive. When you act out of self-preservation you ask the wrong set of questions. At best, these are questions that are inwardly focused and shortsighted. Although longevity is not bad, your main goal should not be to help your church stay alive. Your main goal should be to be faithful to the Gospel and to join God as God ushers in God's kingdom.

What does this mean? Here are a few possibilities:

• This may mean that you build a new church building. This may mean that you sell your church building.
• This may mean that you hire more staff. This may mean that you cut staff.
• This may mean that you stop pouring money into expanding your empire and start sending funds to an under-resourced church.
• This may mean that you give away all of your resources to an emerging church so that a new ministry can flourish.*

Are you following me? Being faithful to the Gospel and joining God's mission does not mean that you last forever. It simply means you go where God calls you to go. 

While we shouldn't focus on self-preservation, we SHOULD focus on sustainability and health. Sustainable ministries don't drain the energy and resources out of our organizations and our people. I think sustainable ministries are simply good stewards of the gifts that God has given the church.

Here are a few ways to help you start thinking about building healthy ministries and not ministries that are fighting for self-preservation. This is not an exhaustive list. Comment below if you have more ideas.

Sustainable ministries emphasize health.
Self-preservation ministries emphasize numbers.

Sustainable ministries regularly evaluate the relational, spiritual, and emotional health of their group. Ministry leaders are regularly gauging the health of the congregation. Health and numbers are not mutually exclusive. I am a part of a healthy church that is bursting at the seams. Yet, our pastors, deacons, elders, and small group leaders are engaged with almost everybody who attends the church. We spend most of our time in staff meetings either doing spiritual check-ins with one another or praying for congregants by name. It's been a blessing to spend so much time focusing on spiritual formation and health. This doesn't mean we neglect our daily tasks. We simply don't let our daily tasks consume our focus.

Sustainable ministries look to empower others.
Self-preservation ministries try to hold on to power.

Believe it or not, you and I are not big deals. Sure, we can do some things well. But our ministries will be better if we find what is unique to our calling, do that well, and empower people to do the rest. I was recently talking with a successful lead pastor who is in his 40's. He said 10 years ago he wasn't comfortable enough in his skin to hire people who were better than him at things. Now, he proudly admits that he isn't the best speaker or administrator on staff. Not only is that good leadership, it creates space for new ideas and fresh approaches.

The reality is, none of us got to where we are because of our own power. We all stand on the backs of others who sacrificed, poured into us, loved us, mentored us, and created space for us. Now, go and do likewise.

Sustainable ministries emphasize how volunteers are doing.
Self-preservation ministries emphasize what volunteers are doing.

Today I interviewed a high quality candidate for a youth ministry intern position. Like all people that I supervise, I told him that I am more concerned with how he is doing as a follower of Jesus, a friend, and a son than what he can do for me and "my" church. People aren't tools for you to use to build your kingdom. They are gifts that God entrusts to you to love, serve, build up, and empower. When they leave, you want them to leave better people than when they arrived.

One side effect of this kind of support and care for your employees is that they tend to feel more at ease in their position which enables them to function out of their strengths. It gives them courage to dream big and take risks. And when they fail, they know that you have their back.

Sustainable ministries think about the entire organization.
Self-preservation ministries tend to only think about those with power.

I once served at an upper income church that was surrounded by neighborhoods that were very poor. On separate occasions I had two elders tell me that I wasn't hired to minister to "those kind of kids." They hired me to minister to "our kids." Wow! Too often I see pastors that only pursue deep relationships with people who have power and money in the church. Pastors let the bottom line sway them away from making decisions with Biblical integrity. It is wrong and unjust.

If you spend more time talking about getting better attendance to events than thinking about the needs of your community, you are fighting for self-preservation.

Sustainable ministries regularly evaluate effectiveness and adjust.
Self-preservation ministries idolize the glory years.**

Anybody who has served in a church that is older than 12 months knows what I'm talking about here. Too many pastors approach ministry like a formula. If they had a successful gathering they do everything in their power to replicate the event exactly. The problem is that people change, culture changes, and ministry needs change. Every gathering needs to be birthed out of a prayerful response to timely needs. Do not do an event simply because "we've always done it this way." Listen to the Holy Spirit and listen to the cries of the people. You'll know what to do.

Topo and Kairos

In the opening section of The Pastor: A Memoir, Eugene Peterson says that being a pastor is all about topo and kairos, place and time.

Place. But not just any place, not just a location marked on a road map, but on a topo, a topographic map—with named mountains and rivers, identified wildflowers and forests, elevation above sea level and annual rainfall. I do all my work on this ground. I do not levitate. “Surely the LORD is in this place, and I did not know it.” Get to know this place. 

Time. But not just time in general, abstracted to a geometric grid on a calendar or numbers on a clock face, but what the Greeks named kairos, pregnancy time, being present to the Presence. I never know what is coming next; “Watch therefore.”***

At the end of the day, I think this is the only true way to avoid getting sucked into fighting for self-preservation. God has called you here, in this place, for this particular time. God has called you to love and serve this particular group of people. What are the needs of the people? What gifts do you have? How is the Holy Spirit leading you to use your gifts to effectively minister to these people at this particular time? If you focus on those three questions, you will be ok.

* When I use the term "emerging church" I'm talking about churches that are being birthed or planted. I am not talking about the emerging church movement.
**In an old book by A.W. Tozer he says, "Let go of the good ole days that never were." I like that. We tend to romanticize the past instead of being fully engaged in the present.
***Peterson, Eugene H. (2011-02-22). The Pastor: A Memoir (p. 7). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition. 

Nothing but Net...Worth

Here is another infographic I helped create. You can access all of my research by clicking the link and scrolling to the bottom of the pop-up. It looks like the graphic designer only used about half of the information that I gave him.



Source: SportsManagementDegreeHub.com

What Pope Francis Get's Right

I recently took up a freelancing gig doing research for a graphic designer. He gives me a topic, I do a ton of research around the topic, I write an in depth outline, and he creates an infographic using the information. Here is one titled "What Pope Francis Get's Right." I did 95% of the writing and research. Eric is a brilliant artist. I love how he brought my words to life.

Source: OnlineChristianColleges.com

Without Death There is No Resurrection

A few years ago I was asked to give a word of blessing to a congregation that was going through a tough time. This is a congregation with whom I served in my early years of ministry. They saw something in me that I didn't see in myself. God used them in tremendous ways to bless me. Here I was 6 years later asked to bless them. I took out some names and places. This is what I said.


Good morning church. Give me a second to connect with each of you visually
as a personal hello. I think about you guys all of the time...I even pray for you some. I
cannot express in words how refreshing it is to be back with you today.

Once in the fourth grade I had to iron some clothes so I went into my mom's closet to
get the iron out. I knew it was on the top shelf. When I opened the door of the closet I
looked up to see if I could see the iron. As I looked up the iron clobbered me in the face.
Sometimes reading scripture is kind of like that. You get what you need but it hurts.

_______ asked me to bless you guys. What a humbling thing it is to try and bless a group of
people who have loved and served my family relentlessly. I will do my best to describe
how significant my time at west hills was and how significant you are to me and my
family. But my disclaimer is, I cannot put into words the impact you had on us for the
good. But I will try.

Do you guys remember what the bible says about blessings?

Blessed are the poor in spirit => they shall see God
Blessed are those who mourn => they will be comforted
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness => they will be filled
Matthew 5:10-12

Are you sure you want to be blessed? It appears as though to be blessed is to hurt. To
be blessed is to feel pain.

Once I was going through a bumpy patch in ministry and was hurting. My spiritual
director told me, "There are two types of pain. Pain caused by neglect, abuse, or oppression. That pain is evil. There is also pain caused because the ego is dying. You need to lean into that pain".

I know this has been a painful year for this church family. I find that Jesus is drawn to
those who are hurting and to those who are suffering. He hurts with you. He weeps with
you.

Jesus told his followers to take up their cross and follow him. To take up one's cross is
to die. Death causes pain. But, the gospel proclaims that death has lost her sting...death
has not won.

You see, after death comes resurrection. But resurrection only comes after death.

It was 6 years ago that Tammie and I packed up a Uhaul and moved out to a foreign
land called _________. I arrived wounded and burned out from a rough first 3 years at my
previous church. I arrived dead. And through my relationships with you guys and my
time at seminary I was resurrected.

At ___________ I found love. I found cups of coffee, boat rides on homemade vessels,
buckets of berries, jars of jam, home made folk CD's, bowls of German dumplings, hikes
where the conversations left my head more exhausted than my shaky legs. I found
life. The holy spirit used you to bring about resurrection. I would not still be in pastoral
ministry without experiencing your ministry.

We all need a resurrection. But first, we must surrender our dreams, we must let go
of the good ole days, we must die to ourselves, and bury our bodies within the cave.
Without death, there is no resurrection. On the third day, the stone will roll away, Christ
will call us to come forth from the grave and to take off our grave clothes.

So I imagine many feel like Yesterday was good Friday. You experienced a traumatic
event that made you question everything about who you are and where you are
going. The man you thought was going to deliver you was killed. You are hurting and
confused. To you I say, be of good cheer. Tomorrow the stone will roll away. Tomorrow
is the resurrection.

Amen.